The Key part 1
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                                                     THE KEY - part one

 

EXT.- SAN FRANCISCO. DOWNTOWN - CRYSTAL BALL EFFECT - DAY

Reflected in the glass of a crystal ball, there is a beautiful woman, MARA, staring 

sadly at it:

- From a window washers scaffold suspended at the 30th floor of a skyscraper, a 

bucket full of  detergent begins to fall.

On the sidewalk, one SLIM man buys a newspaper from a vending machine.

The bucket continues to fall. Slim takes two footsteps. He is now just under the bucket. 

He stops to read the newspaper headline:

 

QUEEN OF ENGLAND TO VISIT THE U.S.

He takes another two steps, unwittingly getting out of the way of the imminent danger.

In Mara's eyes, the fear suddenly subsides.

Slim suddenly retraces his footsteps and is directly under the path of the falling bucket.

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

A miserable basement, poorly furnished. The light bulb hangs from the ceiling hung to an electric wire.

  It's always lit. Slim is seated at a low coffee table with the crystal ball in front of him. Mara is reading the future in it.

She lifts her head

                                        MARA

Sorry.

The man gets up from the stool, knocking it over. He leaves slamming the door.

 

INT.- A LUXURIOUS BEDROOM - CRYSTAL BALL EFFECT - NIGHT

Seen in a crystal ball:

A voluptuous BLOND offers herself on a bed with black satin sheets. An AWKWARD man, around 

50, jumps on top of her.

Reflected in the crystal ball, Mara's face appears and, in the background, an obviously excited 50 year old man's face.

A disheveled woman storms into the bedroom and unloads an entire cartridge of a .22 caliber gun 

into the buttocks of the man.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

The awkward man jumps up, holding his buttocks and cries out in pain.

Mara shrugs her shoulders and holds out her hand to receive her fee. The man gives her the middle 

finger.

 

INT. - A LARGE KITCHEN - CRYSTAL BALL EFFECT - DAY

Seen in the crystal ball:

A HOUSEWIFE is preparing dinner. Reflected in the crystal ball, the contours of Mara's face and 

those of a bald FAT PERSON.

A DELIVERY BOY enters with grocery bags. The woman takes away the bags and rips off his shirt 

and pants. She ravishes him on the kitchen floor.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

Mara is concentrating on the crystal ball:

MARA

...she screws the gardener twice a week, the dairyman every morning but the minister only on Sundays.

The bald fat person jumps up and shouts

                FAT PERSON

Shut up! Stop it!

He kicks a stool which falls against a cage, frightening the hen inside.

FAT PERSON

My wife is a virtuous woman! You are the cheap whore !!

FRANK, handsome, 30 years old, Italian-American type, enters and places a large bag filled with packets of popcorn on the table

FRANK

This guys a jerk, Mara.

Then to the hen fluttering

FRANK

Shut up, McNugget!

FAT PERSON

She told me my wifes a whore who screws every man she meets!

FRANK

Keep cool! Maras a good fortune teller, but she sees everything upside down, topsy turvy. She told you your wife is having sex with everybody? Terrific! It means she wouldn't even let Tom Cruise have a piece of her ass.

FAT PERSON

Go to hell!

He leaves, very upset. Frank sets all the popcorn packets in a row

FRANK

You told the butcher he was going to amputate one of his fingers and yesterday he chopped off his middle finger with a cleaver. Now, he says, we cant get meat on credit anymore. He thinks youre a jinx and we bring bad luck.

MARA

I don't bring bad luck. I just tell people what I see.

She looks into the crystal ball

                MARA

Frank, a man is looking for you.

Frank eats a handful of popcorn. The hen clucks and he throws her a fistful of corn.

                FRANK

Yahoo, McNugget! Corn for all!

MARA

An important man.

FRANK

Swedish?

MARA

No, he's dark-haired.

Frank fills his mouth with some popcorn and then goes to the bathroom.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - EVENING

Frank looks at himself in the mirror

FRANK

There are also dark-haired Swedes. He must be from the Nobel Prize Committee. He'll knock on the door and say "Are you the great author, Frank Marcucci?" Ill bow and he...

MARA (V.O.)

...all confiscated! He's a repo man. He's coming to sell our furniture.

FRANK

What furniture?

He kicks the old detergent box that Mara uses as a stool

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

Frank re-enters slamming the bathroom door

FRANK

Youre not a fortune teller, youre a misfortune teller!

MARA

I only tell the truth.

FRANK

Only the truth. Dont you see what happens with your wonderful truth?

An ambulance passes by with its siren screeching and a puff of exhaust vapor comes through the window. Frank closes it.

FRANK

Mara, the truth is like a woman. She has to be made up, perfumed and dressed. You offer her naked. Today that poor cuckold and yesterday that retired man! He almost had a heart attack.

MARA

Its not my fault if I predicted he would get run over by a train.

FRANK

But you shouldnt tell him! Both legs, zap! He wet his pants, you scared him so bad, and you expect him to pay you?

MARA

At least he'll avoid taking the BART.

FRANK

Or hell get run over because you frightened him.

 

EXT. - ALLEY STREET - EVENING

MRS. BROOKS, a busty woman with cheap looks, is pushed against the window gate of a basement 

apartment by a PIMPLY-FACE boy who lifts up her skirt.

MRS. BROOKS

What are you doing? Not here, people could see us.

PIMPLY

Good, then people can learn...how its done...ah...ah! You are so hot!

MRS. BROOKS

My husband could pass by any minute. Youre crazy. Oh...oh...oh yes...yes...more!

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

Mara picks up a needle and cuts a piece of thread with her teeth. Frank looks at the couple who is 

making love against his window.

FRANK

Mara my dearest, everyone makes loads of money predicting the future, like those 900 call-a-psychic phone lines...

 

EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET- EVENING

Mrs. Brooks and her lover are copulating.

MRS. BROOKS

Yes....more, dont stop!

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

FRANK

...to tell the idiots who believe in this stuff, youre going to win a lottery jackpot, take an important trip, meet your true love, live forever. These are the things you have to predict.

 

EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET- EVENING

The two lovers are climaxing. The light inside the basement goes out.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

Frank still has his finger on the light switch and gets closer to the window for a better view.

FRANK

Have you ever read a weekly horoscope saying Cancer signs will drop dead of cancer?

MARA

No...

FRANK

A week doesn't go by that it doesn't happen to Cancers, Virgos, or Pisces. Everybody knows it and each of the morituri has a wife, children, mothers, fathers, lovers, friends ...all born under every sign of the zodiac!

MARA

Very interesting.

FRANK

Reading crystal balls to penniless losers doesn't even pay well. Those so-called psychics with pay-by-the-minute phone numbers are all making lots of money telling people what they want to hear.

                        MARA

Turn on the light.

FRANK

Hell, it doesnt even matter what they predict. As soon as their phone rings...ching, ching, the money pours in. Theyre all raking in the cash. Everybody except you.

Mara gets up and turns on the light.

 

EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET - EVENING

The illumination causes Mrs.Brooks' passion to subside. She pushes away her lover and fixes her dress.

MRS. BROOKS

They saw us!

The young lover zips up his pants

PIMPLY

Nah, I don't think so. Theyd be giving us a standing ovation if they did.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

FRANK

You scared that poor innocent woman.

Frank spreads a bunch of newspapers around Mara, while she attempts to thread a needle.

FRANK

Read these horoscopes. Do any of them say "loss of a loved one"? A loved one dies every day of the year but nobody actually predicts it.

MARA

Horoscopes are a rip off. I tell the truth.

FRANK

Why don't you go upstairs and tell Mrs. Brooks' husband he's a cuckold? Thats the truth, isn't it?

MARA

I didn't see it in the crystal ball.

FRANK

But it's the truth. Why not tell him?

MARA

Because he didn't ask me, damn you!

FRANK

Look, its not necessary to tell lies. The earth revolves around the sun. It's a fact. It just depends how you explain it. Youd explain it like this...

MARA

Don't be silly.

FRANK

A dirty ball, infested with billions of living organisms who copulate, reproduce, die and decompose, thus entering the food chain of their own children in a neverending cycle of patricide, rotates around a fiery hydrogen cloud that is trapped in a neverending series of nuclear fusion.

Mara exhales and inserts a hen feather in a little cotton sack which she sews all around with tiny 

stitches

FRANK

Instead one could simply say: one awesome green-blue planet, spewing life and beauty, cradle of cosmic intelligence, revolves around a marvelous golden star that warms it with its beneficial light.

MARA

Yuck. Thats as disgustingly corny as the Gospel read by a TV evangelist.

FRANK

Hey, those TV preachers are very successful. You can learn a lot from them. Just tell your clients, sweetly, that theyre going to win a pot full of money, spend a week on a deserted island with Marilyn Monroe and run for the presidency of the United States.

MARA

Idiot!

FRANK

Why am I an idiot? As long as youre giving them candy, and the taste is sweet and in their favorite color, people will happily buy it. And for a good price. See? Promise them money, sex and power and you can charge one hundred dollars or more.

Mara inserts a feather into another pouch and sews it shut

MARA

Perhaps you havent noticed that Marilyn Monroes been dead for thirty years.

FRANK

Just facing facts. In a man's dreams, its always Marilyn that he dreams about.

MARA

I don't sell dreams. Charlatans do that and it's immoral. Get me a couple of feathers, will you?

Frank slips a hand into the cage and plucks a feather from the hen. The hen squawks in protest.

FRANK

Why is it immoral? To make people dream is the strength of all religions.

He raises three fingers like Christ

FRANK

The truth is that tomorrow you will be with me in paradise.

Mara tries to thread another needle

MARA

Religion is like fireflies. To shine, it needs darkness.

FRANK

Tell them a couple of sweet, phoney predictions and folks will cover you in money.

Mara's hand trembles and the tip of the thread misses the needle eye.

MARA

You tell them! I'll lend you my crystal ball.

FRANK

Thanks, but no thanks. Id only laugh. One has to believe in it, at least a little, otherwise people will realize and won't pay.

MARA

Why don't you find a job instead of giving me a hard time?

FRANK

Lifes a poker game that you play only once and if you keep the low cards youre screwed! You end up being...

 

INT. - ROBOT FACTORY - DAY

Frank is dressed in yellow overalls. He is surrounded by robots which besiege him. Long automatic 

arms reach out and steel fingers pinch him everywhere.

FRANK (V.O.)

...a crummy little factory worker for fifty years, then retire with a pension that cant even buy you a can of dog food! Or a bank teller...

 

INT. - A SMALL BANK - DAY

Frank is a bank teller who is counting money at dizzily fast speed

FRANK (V.O.)

... getting your hands dirty counting other people's money. Or behind a counter...

 

INT. - CLOTHES STORE - DAY

Frank is helping an argumentative customer

FRANK (V.O.)

...grinning with a pasted-on smile to the customer whos "always right," who wants it with whipped cream or in stripes or with a square collar or in mauve.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

FRANK

If the choice is to play those cards, I prefer waiting for a better hand.

MARA

Especially if I'm the one working instead of you.

FRANK

Until I find myself and make a decision, I don't have a predetermined destiny. I could become anything.

He closes his eyes and continues

Tom and I...

 

EXT. - MARS LOWLAND - DAY

Martian lowland with red sand. A lander leans at thirty degrees with one leg damaged. A small transparent 

dome. Two men in spacesuits with helmets and oxygen tanks, scurry around their spacecraft.

FRANK (V.O.)

...understand that the lander won't be able to take off right away, but well finish our job on the Red Planet until the moment the oxygen runs out.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT- EVENING

Frank breathes noisily and with difficulty.

FRANK

Day after day, breath after breath. It will be a long glorious period on the big blue marble.

Mara successfully threads the needle

MARA

You dream about this kind of stuff and I'm the stupid one.

FRANK

Or to win a scholarship in Biology from Princeton. A single objective--to conquer the AIDS virus.

 

INT. - REANIMATION ROOM - DAY

Frank, restless and with intravenous tubes in his arm, is in an oxygen tent

FRANK (V.O.)

An incredible victory but too late for me. Because Ive inoculated myself, Ill be the last victim of the AIDS virus and the first dead one to win a Nobel prize.

INT. BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

Frank falls onto the bed which squeaks in protest.

MARA

You could invent happier endings, you know.

FRANK

Life doesn't have a simple happy ending; unhappily, it just simply ends. Only in fairy tales do they say "and they lived happily ever after - The End". If the fairy tale went on, theyd be saying "happily until the Prince crashed his car into a truck and Cinderella died of food poisoning.

MARA

Well, why don't you write a novel?

FRANK

All literature rotates around one crucial question--why did she take off her panties?

Mara sucks a pricked finger

MARA

I ask myself that same question. Why did Mara take off her panties?

FRANK

Good question. Be politically correct: why I did take off my panties? God could make me queer and...

The point of the needle punctures Mara's finger.

MARA

God didn't make you queer, Frank. He made you an asshole!

Someone knocks and rings the doorbell at the same time.

REPO MAN (V.O.)

Open the door! Repo Company!

Mara gives a gesture of victory

FRANK

We didn't need the crystal ball for that!

The aggressive pounding at the door continues

FRANK

Coming!

He opens the door to find a man dressed in black, carrying a briefcase. His eyes are hidden behind a pair of mirrored sunglasses.

REPO MAN

Are you Marcucci?

FRANK

Yes, Im Mr. Marcucci.

The man enters and turns up his nose at the unpleasant odor

FRANK

Do you smell feces? Its McNugget, our feather supplier.

The repo man curls his lips like a horse

REPO MAN

You can appeal the court order, if you like.

FRANK

And we could keep our furniture?

REPO MAN

The seizure is enforceable, but we wouldn't bother to send a truck for this load of junk.

He takes note, checking the inventory and getting closer to Mara

REPO MAN

...a table in bad condition. Two chairs in terrible condition.

FRANK

(pointing out Mara)

A lover in fairly good condition. Is she going to be auctioned off too?

REPO MAN

A second hand lover? Not an item in big demand. Sorry, lady, just joking. A stool in bad condition. A clock that doesn't work. A crystal ball.

MARA

No! I use this for work. It's my livelihood.

REPO MAN

Oh yeah? To me it just looks like a knick knack; a table decoration.

MARA

Tool of my trade. Im a fortune teller.

REPO MAN

You pulling my leg, lady?

FRANK

She sees it in living color. That's why we don't have a TV.

REPO MAN

Never mind. Cage with...

FRANK

...six pound hen with a bald, plucked ass. It's work related, too.

The man points to the little sacks sewn by Mara

REPO MAN

What are they?

MARA

Amulets.

REPO MAN

If you can really read the future, can you look at mine?

MARA

Sorry, I need to be calm in order to concentrate.

REPO MAN

Hey, if youre nervous because of me, how about this? I didn't find you.

He tears up the paper he's been writing on

REPO MAN

And you can prove to me that you really use this crystal ball here to make a living.

FRANK

Make him happy, my darling. Look into your crystal ball.

The repo man sits down in front of the table. Mara puts her hands on the crystal ball.

REPO MAN

I have a serious problem and have to make an important decision about my career. If you give me a little peek at my future, I could erase this whole repo business. It can disappear into thin air. Poof! Like magic. Get the picture?

FRANK

Of course she gets the picture, don't you dear? It's a nice repo man asking you to foresee his HAPPY future!

He stresses "happy" so strongly that the man appears to be suspicious. Mara lowers her head towards the crystal ball

MARA

Be quiet, please.

She begins to breathe more quickly. The man leans towards her.

MARA

I see...yes...I see a person who is causing you to stumble.

REPO MAN

Yes, yes. It's that bastard judge, "The Not-So-Honorable Mr. S.O.B." Should I stay in the game?

MARA

Hes giving you a push.

REPO MAN

Yes! Thats exactly what he promised me. A push, you know, a big boost in my career...and...if I...hey, how do I end up?

FRANK

How do you end up? With happiness, good fortune, wealth!

MARA

I see that you will take a fall.

The repo man sneers, puts on his glasses and gets up.

REPO MAN

He would do that, the S.O.B.! That bastards capable of getting me into all kinds of trouble, setting ME up to take the fall. I do what I agreed to do, then he frames me and I take the rap. Right! You want to frame me, Your Got-No-Honor? I'll frame you instead, and then YOU can take the fall!

He races out.

                 FRANK

My dear Mara, how stupid can you be.

                MARA

I only told him he would fall.

 

EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET - EVENING

The repo man runs out the front door. A little boy accidentally stumbles against him, and he falls 

and hits his face against the window grille of the basement apartment.

 

INT.- BASEMENT APARTMENT- EVENING

Crushed against the grille, dark glasses broken, the mans nose is bleeding.

REPO MAN

I think I broke my nose!

He peers at Frank through his broken glasses

REPO MAN

What a fall. That little puke pushed me!

He stops speaking and then realizes the true meaning of the prediction.

FRANK

I told you. In living color. Black and blue and red. Better than television.

REPO MAN

Oh, so this was the great push! What am I going to tell my boss now? I know. Ill tell him that I've made sure youre out on the street within 24 hours!

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - EVENING

Frank turns towards Mara to strangle her. She retreats

MARA

Hes going to lose his repo job and all I did was tell him he was going to be pushed.

FRANK

You messed up big this time, Mara! I wish Id never gotten involved with you! Why did I think itd fun being with a fortune teller?

MARA

Why? You said I was a genius. God, I knew I didnt find myself an Einstein, but I hoped I'd at least found myself a man!

FRANK

Oh yeah? Why didn't you check your crystal ball before moving in with me?

MARA

You know it doesn't work on me! Look, enough of this. If you want to eat I have to bring the amulets to the store and Ive got three more to do. Get me some more feathers.

Frank puts his hand into the cage. The hen viciously pecks at it. He cries out and withdraws his 

bloody hand.

FRANK

Damn you, McNugget! What are you, a vulture?

MARA

Come, come my big, brave hero. Show a little courage and face the little pecker. Just three more feathers and we'll have the cash for a pizza.

FRANK

Why don't you just use polyester fiberfill in your crummy packets? Nobodys going to know the difference when theyre sewed up tight. Why make that poor bird suffer when we can be roasting him for dinner?

MARA

To work it has to be hen's feathers.

FRANK

Wow! It only works with a hen's feather.

MARA

Certainly. Cagliostro said: A hen's feather keeps away bad weather.

FRANK

Cagliostro said that. Very interesting...

With his bleeding hand he fumbles under his shirt and pulls out a small pouch amulet like those 

sewn by Mara

FRANK

Then why am I still plucking hens' asses after carrying this around for over a year?

MARA

Merlin's Law: nothing goods coming back if its around an assholes neck.

Frank lunges towards Mara with the intention of striking her.

She avoids his blow by taking a big step backward. The crystal ball crashes to the floor and 

explodes into a thousand pieces. Mara traces a cross in front of Frank

MARA

That does it! Get out of here! When I come back I want to find you gone!

She picks up her jacket, throws the amulets in her purse and exits, slamming the door.

FRANK

You get the hell out of my life, lady!! I'm leaving all right...and its for good!

He goes into the kitchen and turns on the gas oven. The odor of methane is strong. He lies down on the bed, puts his hands on his chest and closes his eyes.

FRANK

It's a world filled with bitches and witches, and none of you are worthy of me. Fanculo!

 

EXT. - MARKET STREET - NIGHT

It's Halloween. Shops are brightly lit. On the sidewalk, people in costumes are trick-or-treating. Mara walks hurriedly, ignoring the merry makers.

A BUTCHER, a big man dressed in a bloodstained white uniform, hurries to the door of his store

BUTCHER

Mara, I just wanted to tell you it's that dreamer you live with that brings bad luck...not you...

Mara doesn't answer him. The irritated butcher tries to raise his middle finger, forgetting he doesn't have one anymore.

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT

The gas blows. The hen flutters. Frank is spread out on the bed.

 

INT. - MAGIC SHOPS- NIGHT

Mara enters a witchcraft store. The shelves are full of items, from the European Middle Ages to modern voodoo.

JOHN, a 45 year old bully with vulgar manners, smiles a welcome to her

JOHN

Wonderful Mara, youre a joy for my eyes and my other organs, get it?

MARA

I have the amulets. Could you give a little more for them this time?

JOHN

Sweetheart, Id pay you a hundred times more if youd...ya know...get it?

MARA

Ten dollars apiece would be fine, thank you.

JOHN

If were just talking business, then I already pay you too much. I want to close this store and open an adult shop. Hang out with me. Well make lots of money and do some fun...adult things...in our free time..get it?

MARA

Yeah, I get it. Sure. Why not?

JOHN

Is this some kind of a Halloween prank?

Mara burst into tears and leans on John's shoulder

MARA

No, it's that idiot Frank.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT

The gas continues to leak. The hen protests noisily. Frank coughs and sits up

FRANK

I understood you, you cowardly hen! We'll go out with a big bang; you, me and that cuckold upstairs.

He lights a cigarette lighter. A tiny blue blaze illuminates the basement like a lightning bolt. 

The light bulb bursts. A ball of black smoke explodes in the center of the room, swelling into icy 

darkness. A spectrum of electronic sounds are produced. Franks face becomes covered in 

white, as if he were in a snowstorm. A bottle of water freezes and explodes.

SPECIAL EFFECT - LIMBO

Brilliant points of light thicken and become clusters of shining spirals, like galaxies. An unpleasant 

clucking voice, distorted by the Doppler effect

McNUGGET (V.O.)

You! Check the hyperspherical tensors! There's a mistake! There's a wrong steering! You must plimflate! Plimflate!

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT

Franks face is black from the explosion. A sharp whistle blast hurts Franks ears and he presses 

his hands against them.

McNUGGET (V.O.)

I'm going to enter in a black hole sphincter! You must plimflate, all pligging pieces of galaxies, MUST plimflate!

A screeching sound, like metal being rubbed on stone.

McNUGGET (V.O.)

For all the bodily sgarloopee of the galaxies, tighten the superstrings! Oosrooch the hyperspherical tensors! I am entering into a sun universe!

The voice stops while the basement continues to fill with smoke.

The frost around Frank's eyes melts into tears. From the stove, gas continues to leak. Frank 

shuts it. The voice seems very close, not distorted anymore

McNUGGET (V.O.)

You suckers didn't plimflate in time! I'm in a methane atmosphere! What am I suppose to do now?

Frank looks around but nobody's there. He runs into the bathroom leaving the door ajar.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Frank puts his head under the running water.

McNUGGET (V.O.)

Is there anybody out there?

FRANK

Ok, now itll all over. Im only hallucinating....

McNUGGET (V.O.)

You andromedian, do you understand me when I'm speaking? Are you able to plimfate?

A flutter of wings attracts Frank's attention toward the cage. Dripping wet, he leaves the bathroom.

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - NIGHT

The hens feathers are ruffled and its staring at him.

FRANK

It's impossible.

McNUGGET

Never confuse the impossible with the improbable. You andromedian, I'm speaking to you! Use those two prehensile tentacles you have and throw them around my neck! Kill me! Kill me! Kill me!

FRANK

Hens don't talk.

McNUGGET

If this two-clawed animal is a "hen", then the hen is not the one who's speaking, andromedian!

FRANK

You gotta be totally crazy to hear hens talking. Are you a ventriloquist? Where are you hiding?

McNUGGET

I'm here! Inside the hen! There was an error in transmission and I ended up inside the hen!

Frank stoops to look into the hen's eyes. The animal looks back at him.

McNUGGET

I'm here.

Frank runs to bathroom again.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Frank puts his head under the faucet once again.

McNUGGET (V.O.)

Are you addicted to water, andromedian? If not, then get back here and kill this stupid beast immediately. I'll lose the connectioooon! Stretch out your repugnant tentacles and twist the neck of this feathered animal!

Frank shows his hands to the hen

FRANK

These are hands that havent done an honest days work! You want me to commit bloody poultricide? Im not going to dirty them now for a plucked turkey. Anyway, McNugget, you kind of grow on a guy.

McNUGGET

Inferior organism, if you don't kill me in a hurry I'll lose my connection.

FRANK

Then get out of my hen!

McNUGGET

Kill me! The methane level is going down!

FRANK

Well, thats an improvement, at least.

McNUGGET

Don't you breathe methane?

FRANK

No. Oxygen.

McNUGGET

But it's a poisonous gas!

FRANK

Perhaps where you come from. Oxygen is good for me.

MCNUGGET

When I arrived, this coordinate was full of methane.

FRANK

I was committing suicide.

McNUGGET

I don't understand that terminology.

FRANK

I wanted to die. Kaputt. Put an end to it all.

McNUGGET

In the sense of to stop being?

FRANK

Very good, hen! In the sense of to stop being.

McNUGGET

Usually the inferior races want to live forever.

FRANK

Everythings turning to crap. It must be, or else I wouldn't be here right now, discussing philosophy with a hen.

McNUGGET

Why don't you use the stochastic key? If you aren't traveling it always works.

FRANK

Stoc... what?

McNUGGET

Stochastic! Random. The stochastic key orders the casual events to take a favorable course, from chaos to the positive.

FRANK

To order random events... do you mean, lucky key?

Hen collapses, close to desperation

        McNUGGET

What kind of toilet of a world is this, if this wet pale monster doesn't even know what a stochastic key is?!

FRANK

Could you give it to me?

McNUGGET

If I give you the key, will you kill the hen?

FRANK

You give it to me, and Ill think about it.

The hen turns and lays a large white egg.

FRANK

Mc Nugget! You've laid an egg!

McNUGGET

Big deal. Thats what hens do.

FRANK

A hen maybe, but actually, youre a capon, gelded. I told Mara you were a hen because of Cagliostro.

McNUGGET

Uh-huh. Very interesting. Crack the egg.

Frank takes the egg and shakes it, hoping to hear some sound

FRANK

Is the key inside? Like in Easter eggs?

He breaks the egg on the table and a small shiny key falls out.

FRANK

Wow! Is it silver?

McNUGGET

Whats silver, andromedian? Now that you have the key, kill the beast!

FRANK

Whats it made of?

McNUGGET

What do you think a stochastic key is made of? Of hypotheses and probabilities, of course. Now are you going to kill this hen or not?

FRANK

It will really bring me good luck?

McNUGGET

Yes, yes, yes, consumer of dead carcasses! Break my neck or I'm oourzated!

The doorbell is ringing. Frank opens the door. On the threshold stands the most gorgeous girl hes ever seen. She's dressed in a very short skirt.

MAGNIFICENT

Could I come in? I am Fortune.

Frank looks at the woman and then he looks at the key

FRANK

Please, come in.

MAGNIFICENT (entering)

You've won the first prize of the no-soap Splash contest, the best no-soap action for a healthy complexion!

FRANK

Are you the prize?

MAGNIFICENT

You bet! You've won ten thousand dollars!

FRANK

Is this Candid Camera?

MAGNIFICENT

Not at all, honey! If youve a Splash tub at home, this is your bonus!

She waves a voucher

FRANK

And if I don't have it?

MAGNIFICENT

Then Sweetheart, you'll only get Honorable Mention.

FRANK

Close your eyes. I'll go buy it and be back in a flash.

MAGNIFICENT

No, no, no. The rules are very precise. No tub, no prize. I told you--only Honorable Mention. And thats only if youre really grateful.

FRANK

Sure Im really grateful, but Id be more grateful with ten thousand dollars. With my kind of luck, I bet I don't have that damned drum anyway!

He runs to the cage to show the key to the hen

FRANK

OK, you castrated turkey, what kind of key is this?

A scream makes Frank turn. Magnificent is by the bathroom door with the old tub that Mara uses as a stool to put on her make-up: it's still possible to read the word SPLASH on it.

MAGNIFICENT

Eureka! Habemus tubbum!

FRANK

You mean I won ten thousand dollar?

MAGNIFICENT

Of course, my stallion and it will be an honor to mention it, too!

She kisses him and Frank clasps her. Together, as a unit, they fall on the mattress. The back leg 

of the bed collapses but they don't pay any attention to it. The hen appears interested and with 

guttural sounds, comments on the embrace.

EXT. - GOLDFISH VILLA PARK - MORNING.

Before a luxurious villa, surrounded by a large park and enclosed by a tall fence, is a stretch 

limousine. The back door is wide open. At the steering wheel, motionless, sits a uniformed driver.

JEEVES (Mortimer) exits the villa, dressed as a butler, and holds the door for GOLDFISH, 50 

years old, elegantly dressed. The butler gives him his briefcase and his "borsalino" hat and returns 

to the villa. Goldfish goes towards the car, gets in and sits down on the back seat. He closes the door.

GOLDFISH

Let's go, Jerry.

Goldfish taps the driver on the shoulder, causing him to fall face downward nto the steering wheel. 

A knife has been thrust into his back. A SCAR-FACED MAN, holding a gun, emerges from the 

seat next to the driver.

SCAR FACED MAN

Sorry, Mr.Goldfish.

GOLDFISH

My God, what's happened?

SLASHED MAN

Nothing unusual. Just a routine kidnapping, Mr. Goldfish. Shut up and nobodys going to get hurt.

A STRONG MAN opens the drivers door, removes Jerrys corpse and throws him next to 

Goldfish. The bandit pulls the bloody knife out of the drivers back and sticks it against Goldfishs 

throat. Meanwhile, his accomplice turns on the engine.

The limousine inches silently towards the wrought iron gate which opens automatically to allow 

the vehicle to pass through.

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - MORNING

In its cage, the hen is protesting. Frank and Magnificent lie exhausted on the damaged bed. 

A torn pillow has scattered fiberfill everywhere. She begins to dress.

MAGNIFICENT

What's your name?

FRANK

Frank.

MAGNIFICENT

Frank the Great.

FRANK

I'd like Mara to hear you.

MAGNIFICENT

Your wife?

FRANK

No, I'm not married.

MAGNIFICENT

Don't get married. You should be available to give pleasure to all women.

She places the prize voucher on Frank's belly

MAGNIFICENT

I have to go. And you, get to the bank ASAP with this.

FRANK

What's your name?

MAGNIFICENT

Magnificent.

She goes off, waving.

McNUGGET (V.O.)

Did you finish plimflating, andromedian?

Frank looks for the key. He finds it on the bed and picks it up

FRANK

I think this thing really works!

McNUGGET

Frank the Great, thats as obvious as the beta inverse decay! Now kill the feathered one!

 

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT. BATHROOM - MORNING

Frank rinses his face, holding the key between his teeth.

FRANK

Kill you, my sweet little chicken? Do I look like a crazy man? Kill my feathered friend who lays golden eggs? McNugget, my beloved little dove, I swear...no one will ever pluck your FORTUNE-ate, precious little ass again!

INT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT - MORNING

In its cage, the hen ruffles its feathers.

McNUGGET

Liar! You promised!! Swallower of spit! Repugnant primitive mono-organ beast who excretes fluid and plimflates with the same puny muscle!

Frank ties the small key around his neck. He dresses himself in a hurry

FRANK

See you later, McNugget, I really think you are bringing me good luck.

He goes out and locks the door. The hen collapses, apparently very upset

McNUGGET

Good luck? In this sewer of a universe, the pathetic life form still believes in good luck!

 

EXT. - BASEMENT APARTMENT STREET - MORNING

Frank bumps into John who is going to the basement apartment.

JOHN

I was looking for you. Ive got a message from Mara.

He gives a letter to Frank.

JOHN

Mara didnt want to support your poverty forever. Get a grip on reality. A beautiful woman like Mara needs a man with big "cojones"...a real man, like me.

FRANK

Really?

JOHN

Don't you ever look at yourself in the mirror? You look terrible. Call me tonight. I'll see that you get one of my old suits.

FRANK

Is it the model with the map in the side pocket?

JOHN

What are you talking about? Im talking about clothes--not cars!

FRANK

Yeah, I know. But with all that distance between your fat butt and your manly "cojones,", I figured you needed some help finding them.

JOHN

Oh yeah? Is that supposed to be funny?

FRANK

I wouldnt know. I dont have much experience with fat sides of pork, Mr. Magic Man.

JOHN

                                        Fuck you, asshole!

                                        FRANK

Gee, thanks, but I think Ill pass on your generous offer.

John leaves. Frank crumples Mara's letter into a ball and throws it away.

FRANK

Easy come, easy go. Lose one woman, gain a hundred.

The letter falls against a trash can. Next to it Frank finds three one-hundred dollar bills. 

He picks them up and touches the key around his neck.

FRANK

Wow!

 

EXT. - VAN NESS AVENUE - BANK - DAY

The SPLASH CHAIRMAN,in front of a bank, smiles at Frank, who is now wearing a new suit 

and carrying a briefcase.

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Marcucci, you lucky fellow! Splash is happy to welcome you among its beneficiaries. Let's go in, please.

FRANK

Are they going to pay me in cash?

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Cold cash.

 

INT. - BANK - DAY

TELLER gives a paper for Frank to sign

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Sign here, Mr.Marcucci.

Frank signs and the teller starts counting a pile of one hundred

dollar bills. Behind Frank, a LONG HAIR FELLOW and a GIRL WITH SHAVED HEAD 

exchange signals to one another and leave the bank.

TELLER

Six thousand, seven thousand and, there you are, five hundred.

FRANK

Seven thousand five hundred dollars? But the prize is for ten thousand...

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Gross. Less taxes and handling fees. Don't be greedy--seven thousand five hundred dollars is seven thousand five hundred dollars without doing diddly.

FRANK

Ten thousand would have been better.

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

If you don't accept it, we'll give it to somebody else.

Frank throws the bills into his briefcase.

 

EXT.- VAN NESS AVENUE - DAY

A motorcycle races towards Frank.

The girl with the shaved head, on the back of the motorcycle, grabs Frank's briefcase. Frank, 

howling, holds onto his briefcase for dear life while being dragged away. The briefcase opens and 

the money flies out. The motorcycle skids to the left and crashes into Goldfish's oncoming limousine.

Money is floating through the air while passerbys scramble to get a handful. Frank, jumping up and 

down and engulfed by the crowd, tries to reclaim his money.

FRANK

That's my money! Help! Take your hands off my money! It's mine! You thieves! Call the police! Help! Help!

A siren is heard. The two thieves run away, as do the two kidnappers after trying to restart the 

limousine. Jerrys corpse lies rigid in the back seat.

POLICE OFFICER

Whats going on here? All of you keep quiet! Whose money is this?

FRANK

It's mine! I had seven thousand five hundred dollars in my briefcase and those two bastards tried to steal it from me. My briefcase...

Police Officer grabs Frank

FRANK

What are you doing? Why are you arresting me? Stop those thieves! All these people are thieves!

ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER leans over Jerrys corpse

ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER

Are you all right gentleman?

The corpse collapses, revealing the large blood stain on his back.

ANOTHER POLICE OFFICER

There's a wounded man over here!

From the trunk of the limousine, the policemen hear a thump. Frank frees himself from the policeman

FRANK

I think theres someone in the trunk.

He opens it and finds Goldfish, tied up and gagged. Frank pulls off the gag and Goldfish breathes 

deeply

GOLDFISH

Thank goodness you came. I was suffocating in there.

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Mr. Goldfish! What are you doing in there?

The policeman cuts Goldfishs ropes

GOLDFISH

I'm interviewing the baggage, you idiot! They kidnapped me! Whos the one with the briefcase?

FRANK

That would be me. Those two bastards tried to rob me. I fought against them and they crashed into your limousine. It's not my fault.

GOLDFISH

Fault? This was a kidnapping, my friend. Merciless gang, look at what they did to my poor driver. My only chance was to give them twenty million.

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Twenty million dollars, Sir?

GOLDFISH

No, twenty million peanuts! Would you have asked less than that for my ransom?

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

I would not even dare, Sir.

Frank grabs Goldfish, who is weak and about to collapse

GOLDFISH

I can't walk. You, Chairman, remove two seats from the limousine

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Why two, Sir?

GOLDFISH

Don't question your boss when he gives you an order! Move it! I want to chat with the courageous hero who saved my life.

Frank gives the Splash chairman a revengeful smile

GOLDFISH

You know, my friend, you probably saved my life. I have a wife who isn't too happy with all my mistresses and wouldn't have paid a penny for my ransom. Criminals are idiots: you want money from the king and you kidnap the king himself?

 

EXT. - VAN NESS AVENUE - DAY

A strange procession is causing a traffic jam. Carried by the Splash chairman and two policemen, Goldfish and Frank are sitting on the seats from the limousine, and greeting the crowd like two popes in a procession. They are being followed by a train of curious onlookers.

GOLDFISH

What's your name?

FRANK

Frank. Frank Marcucci.

GOLDFISH

Well Frank, do you have any problems?

FRANK

Afraid so. The problems stayed with me, while my money flew away.

GOLDFISH

How much?

FRANK

Seven thous....

The Splash chairman intervenes, gasping for air

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Ten thousand dollars, Sir. Mr. Marcucci had just won one of our advertising prizes.

GOLDFISH

Well, give the man twenty thousand! And now we need champagne!

FRANK

Do you mean that...

GOLDFISH

Listen my friend, for me twenty thousand dollars is like twenty cents. And its still beats giving an incompetent gang of kidnappers twenty million of my hard earned money. Splash is one of my companies and this has been the luckiest day of our lives! What do you do for a living?

 

FRANK

Nothing.

GOLDFISH

What skills do you have?

FRANK

None. I'm an artist, maybe. Sort of. I guess.

GOLDFISH

Education?

Desolate Frank shakes his head.

GOLDFISH

Perfect. I hate those wise guys from Harvard. Well! You remind me of myself when I was young. Is ten thousand a month okay for a starting salary?

FRANK

Wow, yes! But what do I have to do?

GOLDFISH

What you say youre good at--nothing. And youll have two secretaries helping you.

He slaps the Splash chairman's sweaty head

GOLDFISH

Did you hear me? Put him in the Public Relations department.

The Splash chairman nods.

 

EXT. - OPEN OCEAN- DAY

Seen through the lens of binoculars a mine is adrift, covered by algae and encrusted by shells.

 

EXT. - FISHING BOAT- DAY

A FISHERMAN is observing a mine through his binoculars. He tells another man

FISHERMAN

Send a warning to the Coast Guard: mine adrift at 139 degrees west, 19 and 33 south.

INT.- BASEMENT APARTMENT - DAY

The hen is in its cage, sitting in its own droppings. Frank, elegantly dressed, is kneeling down in front of the bird.

FRANK

Don't be annoyed with me, McNugget! Answer me! I didn't want to leave you...in all this crap. Your key works perfectly, and if you like, I'll wring your neck now. Please...talk to me!

MISTER BROOKS (V.O.)

Are you speaking to the hen, Mr.Marcucci?

Mr. BROOKS, a short, unpleasant man is by the door and is looking with disgust at Frank.

MISTER BROOKS

It's probably some side effect from these new synthetic drugs sold in your neck of the woods, right?

FRANK

I speak to everybody, Mr.Brooks. To hens, to hogs, to landlords. By the way, how's your wife ?

MISTER BROOKS

You're late with the rent. Get the hell out of the apartment by Saturday, or I'll call the police.

Frank throws a stack of twenty dollar bills at Brooks who

greedily grabs them

FRANK

Check your accounting and then give me the change at your convenience. I have a job for you. Miss Mara has left and I have to leave for a cruise in Polynesia, so you have to take care of my hen.

MISTER BROOKS

How dare you...?

FRANK

It doesn't need much. A bag of the best corn money can buy and a daily cup of water. Thousand bucks per month for five minutes work a day, OK?

MISTER BROOKS

You're joking, right?

FRANK

I've never been more serious. Yes or no?

He begins to count the money while waiting for Brooks'answer.

MISTER BROOKS

You know, Frank, I find you different today...I can't say why...but... today you look like a winner.

FRANK

Start immediately. Clean the cage, it's full of droppings. Ill give you another one hundred dollars a month for the mess.

Frank throws the money on the table and Brooks snatches it.

FRANK

Broom and shovel.

Brooks obeys and begins to clean

FRANK

And another thing. As long as youre calling me Frank, just for the record it's Frank the Great.

MISTER BROOKS

As you wish, Frank the Great. Another hundred for that?

Frank throws another one hundred dollar bill at Brooks

FRANK

If the hen starts to talk, don't answer. Just write down everything it says. And I mean everything!!! Got it?

MISTER BROOKS

I'll write down everything. Itll be a pleasure to write down what the hen says. Don't worry Mr. Marcucci.

FRANK

... the Great.

MISTER BROOKS

The Great, the Great!

Frank points a threatening finger at the hen

FRANK

If you try to pull one over on me, you will be in very deep doo-doo. Your doo-doo.

 

EXT.- YACHT ON THE OCEAN - SUNSET

On the sun bridge of a yacht, Goldfish, Frank and other two men, TURNER and SCAGNETTI, are sipping bourbon.

FRANK

So who the hell is this mysterious woman?

GOLDFISH

You'll see her tonight. It's a surprise.

TURNER

She's tired and not up for dinner. And besides, we've put her on a diet.

SCAGNETTI

Just like the real one, she's got to watch her figure.

GOLDFISH

I wish there were more bods like that around here.

 

INT.- YACHT SALOON - NIGHT

A waiter pours Goldfish, Frank, Turner and Scagnetti champagne, while a three-piece orchestra 

plays the song Marilyn Monroe made famous: "Diamonds Are a Girls Best Friend." A voice fills 

the room. From behind a curtain, a bare, well-shaped arm, then a leg in fishnet stockings with spike

heels. Finally MARILYN TWO appears. She edges closer and closer to the gentlemen, keeping t

he microphone close to her mouth. She looks like an exact copy of the real Marilyn Monroe. Frank is fascinated

FRANK

Marilyn.

GOLDFISH

She's looks like the original, don't you think?

FRANK

She's really Marilyn!

GOLDFISH

Youre right, it's really her! She shed be around sixty years old, you idiot!

FRANK

Marilyn is timeless. She must have been in hibernation.

TURNER

Hibernation! Great idea to launch her career! Or clonation too!

Marilyn Two finishes her song. Frank takes her hand

FRANK

Marilyn. I was sure youd come back. I've dreamed of you since I was a kid: you and me on a deserted island.

MARILYN TWO

Who the hell is he?

TURNER

Your first fan, darling.

Marilyn sits down and Frank cuddles next to her.

TURNER

When we first saw her in that porno flick, "Bust Top," she was close to perfection. We just gave her a nose job and fixed some minor defects.

GOLDFISH

I agree.Fifty-fifty, sign and champagne!

The yacht captain eyes Goldfish and motions to speak to him privately.

GOLDFISH

Speak up, old chap! I've got no secrets from my new partners!

YACHT CAPTAIN

We have to reduce the speed, sir, because of a radio warning about an old mine in this area.

GOLDFISH

Don't reduce anything, Captain! This is the time to speed up! With all the water in the Pacific Ocean, are you afraid our boats going to end up right on that mine?

A huge explosion interrupts Goldfish. The lights go off and a wave covers the entire room and everything in it.

EXT. - OPEN OCEAN- MOON NIGHT

Frank gropes amid the wreckage.

FRANK

Marilyn! Marilyn!!!

A shark fin heads straight for Frank, who shrieks in terror. Something lifts him and Frank starts to skim the surface of the dark water.

EXT.- ATOLL - SUNRISE

A lightning bolt is seen above a leafy atoll with palms.

Frank, carried by two dolphins, ends up on the beach. When he looks back, the mammals are already gone. The lucky sparkles around Frank's chest.

MARILYN TWO (V.O.)

Thank heaven, a man!

Marilyn Two, half-naked, clings to him in tears. Frank clutches her to his chest

FRANK

My love, don't cry. I'm here now, I'll stay with you forever!

Marilyn kisses him on the mouth.

MARILYN TWO (worried)

For ever?

Frank nods and they continue to fondle each other on the sandy beach.

 

INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BEDROOM - NIGHT

EILEEN, a skinny woman, 50 years old, undulates on the butler Jeeves (Mortimer) who stares at the ceiling. The phone rings and Jeeves picks up the receiver to answer. Eileen continues. Jeeves listens and passes the phone to Eileen

JEEVES

It's for you, Madame. An accident.

Eileen continues making love

EILEEN

Not now.

JEEVES

Mrs. Eileen, your husband is dead.

Jeeves pushes Eileen away who yells

EILEEN

Humph...just like that pain in the ass! Always ruining my fun!

 

EXT.- ATOLL - DAY

Sun is shining behind the palm trees, which sway back and forth in the breeze. Frank and Marilyn are stretched out on the golden sand of the beach.

MARILYN TWO

Youre a fantastic lover, darling! I never knew it could be like this. I guess I needed to be shown how by a real man...like you.

FRANK

Thanks, honey, but you don't have to talk like a hooker giving phoney compliments to a john. I hope I havent offended you. I know you are sweet and pure and would never be a hooker.

MARILYN TWO

Oh yeah? Shit, youre right. Listen, buster...

FRANK

Call me Frank.

MARILYN TWO

Frank.

Frank kisses Marilyn. They make love again.

 

INT. - JOHNS HOUSE - NIGHT

Mara cries in front of the TV. The newscaster continues

SPEAKER

... destiny is a strange thing. Goldfish's yacht ran into an old mine built during World War II by one of his own factories. Twelve bodies have already been recovered and there is no hope of finding any survivors.

John finishes a can of beer, belches and gets up

JOHN

What are you crying about? You left him, you told me he was a total asshole. You should be glad hes out of your hair.

MARA

Well, Im not glad. If I hadnt thrown him out hed still be alive. If anything, I feel guilty.

 

JOHN

Guilty? For what? For ridding the world of a worthless jerk? You should be demanding a medal. Come on, let's go to bed and Ill make you forget that little prick.

Mara gets up, picks up her bag and jacket, then leaves

JOHN

What are you doing, Mara. Why you leaving all of a sudden?

MARA

Because youre a heartless animal.

 

EXT. - ATOLL - DAY

A crab drags its shell along the sand. Marilyn, standing at the shore, is looking at the ocean

MARILYN TWO

Shit! Nobody will ever find us here.

FRANK

Yeah...isn't that great!?

A tear trickles down Marilyn's cheek.

FRANK

Why are you crying, my love?

MARILYN TWO

Were going to die of thirst and starvation.

Frank shows her the key that he wears around his neck

FRANK

This key makes all my wishes come true. Thats the reason were here. I always dreamed of being on a deserted island with you.

MARILYN TWO

Did you make the mine explode?

FRANK

No, no. It was only by chance.

MARILYN TWO

Everyones dead except me and you.

FRANK

I don't know. Marilyn, don't be afraid. Everything is going to be fine. Tell me you love me.

MARILYN TWO

I love you.

FRANK

You must say "I love you, Frank". otherwise I dont really exist.

MARILYN TWO

Fuck you...Oh, alright...I love you, Frank.

FRANK

My love, stop using curse words.

MARILYN TWO

Whos using fucking curse words?

FRANK

Are you hungry? What do you want for dinner?

MARILYN TWO

A hot dog and a coke.

A wooden case drifts to shore. Inside, sealed in plastic bags are freshly grilled hot dogs and several cans of coke. Frank offers an astonished Marilyn a hot dog and a coke

MARILYN

Hell! How the fuck...

She stops short, overcome by a new respect towards Frank

MARILYN TWO

It's the key? It's like the genie in the lamp! Gimme it!

FRANK

I cant. Youre here because youre the woman of my dreams. If I give you the key I'll lose you because I'm not the man of your dreams.

MARILYN TWO

How do you know?

She tears the key from Frank's neck and runs away. FRANK runs after her

FRANK

Marilyn be careful! If you lose it, well die here!

MARILYN TWO

I want to go back to San Francisco! To San Francisco!

The noise of a helicopter breaks the silence. Marilyn looks up and sees a helicopter with the words RESCUE on it. It lands on the beach. Marilyn jumps up and down and waves her arms

MARILYN TWO

Yoohoo! Here we are! Here we are!

Frank slips the key around his neck. Two men get off the helicopter. Marilyn runs to embrace them.

PILOT

Mr. Marcucci?

FRANK

Yes.

PILOT

I worked for Mr.Goldfish.

FRANK

Worked? Is he dead or were you fired?

PILOT

We found his body in the ocean. In his will he left you half of his billion dollar estate.

FRANK

And what about the other half?

PILOT

It goes to his wife.

Marilyn throws her arms around Frank's neck

MARILYN TWO

I told you! Youre my ideal man, Frankie!

She kisses him and then skips around shouting with joy. Frank touches the key, rolling it between 

his fingers

FRANK

McNugget or whoever you are, you are carrying this game too far.

 

EXT. - EMBARCADERO- DAY

Frank and Marilyn Two are greeted by a wave of photographers in front of the palace. 

Hidden among the crowd, we find Mara with a scarf wrapped around her head and dark sunglasses.

JOURNALISTS

- How did you save yourself, Mr.Marcucci?

-Is it true that you swam ten miles with this girl on your shoulders?

-Why did Mr. Goldfish leave you such an incredible sum of money?

- Why did he leave you all that money? Were you two lovers?

Eileen, dressed in black, stands in front of the hall door. Frank extends his hand

FRANK

Mrs. Goldfish, I suppose.

Eileen, with a bitter facial expression, strikes him and turns her back on him as she enters the palace. Marilyn Two grimaces, Frank shrugs his shoulders and they also enter. Mara removes her glasses, shakes her head and goes away slowly.INT. - ATTORNEY's OFFICE- DAY

The attorney is reading the last will and testament in the presence of Frank, Marilyn Two, Eileen, 

Jeeves and the Splash official.

ATTORNEY

... being of sound mind and body. It was signed in my presence by the late Henry Goldsmith.

Marilyn embraces Frank. Goldfish's widow is furious

EILEEN

...being in sound mind and depravation. Watch out; youve stolen half of my inheritance and my villa, but keep this in mind--what goes around, comes around. Mortimer, let's go!

Jeeves stares at the woman with an air of British detachment

JEEVES

Sorry, madam. I come with the villa.

Eileen answers with an angry grunt and disappears.

 

EXT.- SAN FRANCISCO AIR VIEW - DAY

A helicopter passes above the Pyramid top and the Bay.

SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)

That skyscraper is ours, Mr.Marcucci. As are those houses at Marina and those palaces at Sausalito over there. Those sheds are our soap factory here in California. We have one in each of the fifty States.

 

EXT. - NEW YORK AIR VIEW - DAY

The helicopter flies above the Twin Towers and it goes towards the Empire State Building.

SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)

From the 93rd floor to the 97th you can find our Financial offices. The skyscraper to the east of Central Park is also ours.

FRANK (V.O.)

Ours? Why do you always say ours?

SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)

Sorry. Yours, Mr.Marcucci, yours! It was just a figure of speech.

FRANK (V.O.)

I hate figures of speech.

 

INT/ EXT. - PRIVATE HELICOPTER IN FLIGHT - DAY

Frank sits close to the Splash official

SPLASH CHAIRMAN (V.O.)

The baseball stadium is ours. Excuse me...yours. We'll land here to greet the public.

FRANK

You mean now? With the helicopter?

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

Public relations. The people love whoever is getting rich, Mr. Marcucci. They worship any imbecile with money who comes down from the heavens.

 

EXT.- BASEBALL FIELD - DAY

The stands are packed. Frank's helicopter lands on the diamond. Eileen, still dressed in black, unscrews the top of her ebony stick.

FRANK

Any imbecile?

SPLASH CHAIRMAN

It was just....

FRANK

...a figure of speech. Take a note. Figure of speech to figure of speech--Youre fired.

Splash official shrugs his shoulders unhappily. Frank jumps down from the helicopter. 

The crowd stands and cheers.

Eileen aims her cane at Frank as if it were a rifle, and in effect there is a little viewfinder.

Frank raises his hands in a sign of greeting.

Eileen arms the trigger hidden in the cane and shoots. Amid the roar of the crowd the shot goes 

unnoticed.

A pigeon flying in front of Frank is hit by the bullet and drops dead on the grass.

 

EXT. WASHINGTON DC PANORAMA - SUNSET

The view of Washingtons monuments is reflected in the Potomac River.

 

INT. WASHINGTON DC. WATERGATE- EVENING

Seven men in black-hooded garments sit around a round table. The room is dimly lit but in the 

shadows the masonic logo is visible. The man with the boss symbols starts to speak

SENATOR MORRIS

Our brother Goldfish has passed away. He left his empire to a certain Marcucci--completely unknown to us. Goldfish was our financier, and if this Marcucci doesn't confirm our deals we'll have to do without him. Actually, hell have to do without us...and the rest of the world.

The hooded men nod

                                         SENATOR MORRIS (V.O.)

This is an important moment. I propose to the brothers that we make this secret lodge more united by revealing our identities.

SENATOR MORRIS

Whoever agrees, raise his hand.

The hooded crowd bustles, then one at a time everybody raises his hand. The leader who removes his hood and introduces himself, is imitated by the others

SENATOR MORRIS

Senator Morris. Venerable of this lodge.

ALAN KAHN

Alan Kahn, CIA officer.

IVAN GOLUTVA

Ivan Golutva, ex KGB.

 

INT. - ATLANTA. PEACHTREE HOTEL- EVENING

It looks like a continuation of the previous scene, the only difference being the Atlanta skyline. 

Seven men in white hoods like those of the KKK sit around a round table. Three of them have 

removed their hoods. The fourth one, the fifth one, the sixth one and the seventh are now removing 

their hoods and introducing themselves

NIELS LIEDHOM

Niels Liedhom, Goldfish Financial Administrator of New York. Well try to compromise before eliminating this Marcucci.

GENERAL CULVERTON

General Culverton. I'll go speak to him.

EDWARD JOHNSOM

Edward Johnson, National Guard. Do it in a hurry. Project Freedom can no longer wait.

TIP McWRITE

Tip McWrite, National Rifle Association. Resolve this dilemma or well have to withdraw our support.

 

EXT. NEW YORK. BROOKLYN - EVENING

Downtown Brooklyn seen from the bridge.

 

INT. - ITALIAN RESTAURANT - EVENING

Seven men have just finished eating. Many empty wine bottles are on the table. TOTO, 60 years, a sharp stare, icy but polite. He speaks with an Italian-American accent.

TOTO 

Our good Goldfish is gone, peace to his soul. He left his place and his money to this Marcucci, a good name who nobody knows. I hope he's an understanding man...for his sake of course.

The other six laugh and toast.

 

INT. - GOLDFISH VILLA. PARTY SALOON - DAY

Jeeves is on the balcony and holds, with white gloved hands, some sacks.

FRANK (V.O.)

Again!

Jeeves unties one of the sacks and lets its contents fall out. A snowfall of dollars inundates Frank 

and Marilyn Two who begin jumping for joy like children. Marilyn is covered in diamond-studded 

jewels, including a diamond tiara.

MARILYN TWO

Again, shit, oh excuse me Frank!

Impassive Jeeves obeys.

 

EXT. - DESERT - DAY

On a tower of a drilling well a big sign GOLDFISH INC. Some workers are drilling a well in the 

middle of the African desert. A Bedouin chief is giving orders to his men. From the well a dark jet 

shoots out. Technicians and workers explode in a cry of joy, but the dark color clears up, becoming water.

The Bedouin chief bursts into laughter, as do his men.

DOCTOR FRITZ of Goldfish Inc., in white gear, runs under the dirty rain to a cellular phone.

 

EXT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA - NIGHT

The windows of the villa and the park lampposts are lit. An auto advances towards the gate. 

The black gloved hand of the chauffeur pushes the button of a remote control and the gate opens. 

The car goes towards the house. A lightning bolt lights up the villa as if it were daylight, followed 

by a roar of thunder.

 

INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BATHROOM SALOON - NIGHT

A small lamp in the corner and interior lights of the Jacuzzi tub illuminate the large bathroom. 

A lightning bolt lights up the blue glass dome that hangs from the ceiling. Two women's hands 

slip Frank into the bubble bath. Frank defends the key which he carries around his neck on a golden 

chain. He emerges laughing and throws Marilyn Two into the water. She is still wearing the diamonds.

FRANK

Marilyn, do you love me?

MARILYN TWO

I'm crazy for you, sweetheart.

They don't realize that a stranger has entered.

FRANK

Why?

MARILYN TWO

Because you are the most manly man I know.

FRANK

Tell me more.

MARILYN TWO

Because you are the most powerful.

FRANK

More?

MARILYN TWO

Because youre a genius.

A gloved hand unscrews the light bulb of the lamp. In the faint light, with the lamp in his hand, 

the intruder inches towards the bathtub

FRANK

More!

MARILYN TWO

Because, because...youre handsome!

FRANK

It took you long enough to notice!

The electric cord of the lamp is still plugged in.

The hand that holds it is ready to throw it into the water.

MARILYN TWO

Sure, honey, youre real handsome, brave, stupendous.

Frank kisses her in a cloud of bubble bath

FRANK

And you are a lucky woman, Marilyn. Very, very lucky.

 

EXT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA - NIGHT

A lightning bolt centers the villa.

 

INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BATHROOM SALOON - NIGHT

An instant before the lamp touches the water, the electricity goes out. The lamp falls into the water 

and obviously nothing tragic occurs. Frank laughs.

A new lightning bolt lights up the room.

Marilyn gets out of the tub covered with foam and throws the lamp on the floor.

FRANK

Where are you going? Are you afraid of the dark?

MARILYN TWO

Yeah! Fucking scared shitless. Oh excuse me dear, I mean Im really rather terribly afraid.

Jeeves enters with a candelabra and a telephone on a tray

JEEVES

A call from Africa, sir.

FRANK

Whats your name?

JEEVES

Mortimer, sir.

FRANK

I prefer calling you Jeeves. I always dreamed of having a butler called Jeeves.

JEEVES

Well sir. Call Jeeves and Mortimer will come.

Frank picks up the telephone

FRANK

Hello.

 

EXT. - DESERT - DAY

Doctor Fritz, dripping in dirty water, among laughing Bedouins, is on the phone

DOCTOR FRITZ

Mr.Goldfish?

FRANK ([filtered])

Goldfish is dead, who are you?

DOCTOR FRITZ

I'm Doctor Fritz, chief of the Libyan affairs. Who are you?

 

INT. - GOLDFISH's VILLA. BATHROOM SALOON - NIGHT

FRANK

Im his heir. Your new master.

DOCTOR FRITZ (filtered)

Mr Goldfish gave his word to buy...

 

EXT. - DESERT - DAY

DOCTOR FRITZ

...ten thousand square kilometers of desert thinking there was oil. Instead, we only found dirty water. The Libyans cheated us out of the one million dollar deposit. What do you want me to do?

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